Rain

von Sara_Sidle


Eyes followed the gray car. Fast, the red rear lights disappeared around the next corner, left nothing than darkness. Emptiness. Loneliness. Not only that there was nobody else around the emptiness and loneliness were inside, eating their way through the whole body. Pain. No, no pain. Something else. A weird feeling. Uncomfortable. Making her toes move, make her breathe unevenly and bit her fingernails until there was blood. The iron taste makes her realize what her did. She didn’t want to do this anymore. She didn’t want to hurt herself. Not physically. And not mentally. But why did she do this, she knew it before, it would hurt her. She knew that when she agreed on this meeting it was her heart, that hurt, that cried out loud in pain, messed her up. Nevertheless she agreed. Had looked forward. What a fool she was. Looking forward to end up in pain. It wasn’t like she wasn’t just out of the last pain that had tortured her heart for months, no, she had to do it again. For an apparently smart woman she was very stupid. Sometimes. Most times. Whenever it came to things that weren’t logical or rational. Like most things beside her work.
The cold wind got her back into now, into reality. The first drop of the rain everybody was waiting for felt straight on the tip of her nose. Bull’s eye. But did it matter if she got wet? Soaking wet? No, who should matter? Not the man across the street who opened his umbrella nor the young couple, giggling, pulling each other closer before they started to run, laughing, enjoying their time and the upcoming rain. Rain washes things clean, rain washes things away. Maybe the rain washed away her pain too? If she stayed in it long enough.
Another drop. And another one. Slowly she walked over to her car, around fifty yards away from where she was now. It didn’t feel like it was washing away anything. It didn’t feel like the pain was washed away. No. It was still there, got even stronger. Did she do the right thing? After she did the wrong thing. She could have said something, could have done something. Instead she tried to look happy, relax and like everything was fine. God she was such a liar. But a good one. For a few moments she had believed herself. Has thought everything was perfect. Then again the truth and reality stroke back and she was aware of the mistake she made.
Wet, her clothes sticking onto her body, she sat in her car didn’t bother to pull the wet hair out of her face. There was no point in doing so. There was no point in doing anything. She had lived in a fantasy. Again. She always lived in fantasies. Then again, her fantasies were the only places she could be happy, be herself and had her beloved happy end. In her fantasy nobody took off, left her alone with the pain and the uneasy feeling. In her fantasies she didn’t have to do the first step and if she did she knew it would end perfect. There was no doubt that anything could ever go wrong in her fantasies. But this wasn’t her fantasy, this was real life. And she wasn’t happy, she sat alone in her car. Would spend the rest of her day alone. Probably the rest of her life.
But didn’t she always tell herself that was exactly what she wanted? To be alone. Not to have somebody in her life. No pressure. No obligations. Only focusing on herself. That was enough work and trouble, there was no need to add a second person to her life. It wasn’t worth the pain. It wasn’t worth the risk. Relationships end anyway why start them? Maybe anthologists said human are social creature they never said, a human needs a special other human, you only needed a group you feel safe in. Colleagues were a group, made you feel safe. That should be more than enough. So why was she caving for a relationship? No need to deny that any longer, she was lonely, she wanted to share her life with a special person, with somebody, who was like her who loved her the way she was.
She was such a fool.
Radio. Music could distract her. She turned on her favorite radio station.
Everybody is looking for someone
Someone who makes you happy
You can find this one in strangest countries
Countries you never knew before
Bullshit. She wasn’t looking for someone. Nobody could make her happy. This song was such a lie, why should she…all right, maybe it wasn’t entire wrong.
Some find this one in the neighborhood
Some at the place they work
Who can deny this special wish
To find someone like this
Who makes you flying with love
Don’t you ever think of telling somebody you work with that you’re in love. What a stupid thing to do. When it was over,you had to find another job, different friends, a new flat, maybe leave the city. There was not such a person who could make you feel like you were flying only by loving you. That wasn’t possible. Science can prove that.
Some find this just for a little moment
Some for the rest of their life
You can find this in the endless heaven
In stars, sun and moon light
Yeah, for a little moment, it’s called a one-night-stand. Less fuss, less stress, nothing to worry about. No obligations, no boundaries. The only real way to have a relationship. There are not such things like relationships that made you happy for the rest of your life. The feelings always faded away. Even if your heart tries to tell otherwise your brain knows it. Why was it so difficult to live the way your brain told you?
You find this one in the deepest friendship
This one, who dies for you tonight
And you know what I mean
When I say, I’ve found this special one
Who makes me flying with love
Why seemed everybody around her find the perfect partner? Why was everybody in love? Why was everybody else capable of having or getting somebody in their lives? What was she doing wrong? Was she so unlovable? What did she have to change? She didn’t even feel like she had a friend who would die for her. She had nobody to be frank. She was a loner, she was weird and nobody wanted to see her twice.
Nothing is impossible
When you’re in love
You can climb on every tree
And when you’re in love
Never let it go
‘Cause it makes you happy
Yeah, love makes you so happy – until it rips out your heart, smashes it on the ground and jumped on it, squeezing every little piece of it until everything was gone. Yes, that was love. Love was cruel. Love let you believe everything was fine when in reality it worked on a plan to screw you over. Again and again. Worse and worse.
Well for me it’s every day we spend together
To see the mystical moonlight in your face
To know that you really love me
In every situation, in every place
Giving up your life to please somebody else, denying your wishes and dreams, scarifying everything you worked for, believed in only to be with somebody who will hurt you. Because they all will hurt you. Sooner or later. Mostly sooner. It doesn’t matter how often you get told somebody loves you, it’s so easy to lie into your face. People do it all the time. They’re living in lies.
All the love that you only shows me
All the love that makes you mine
We can fly without wings
‘Cause we are flying with love
Yeah we are flying with love
And when you fly on love you fly like Icarus did and we all know what happened to him. He got up too high, got burnt, fell down and died. That’s what happen when you think you can fly, when you think you’re in love, that somebody loves you. You get burnt and fall flat down on your face. The fool of the day.
And with your love my life begins
Without it, it will end
We are flying with love
With all the love we give
We are flying with love
And with you love…well, it wasn’t important what would be with the love you never got. There was no point in thinking of it. Not if you wanted to be realistic. Only in fantasies and dreams you have the Hollywood Happy End. Only there love wins.
But you’re not in Hollywood, you don’t have a guarantee for a happy end, you are in the real world, you have nothing.
Especially not somebody who loves you.